ASK DR NOVOA – Why does sex decrease after marriage?

Wow, this one is complicated and has multiple parts to the answer.

The average number of times per week that most happily married couples have sex is 1-3 times per week. I have often heard people joke that the quickest way to stop having sex is to get married. As a gynecologist and sex educator, I often discuss this situation with my patients. I also try to address the fact that it only becomes a problem when one of the two, or both partners has a complaint about it. You have to remember that it is not about quantity; it is about quality. Some couples are very happy with having sex just a few times a week; while others are fine with just a few times a month.

The top 4 categories I have seen affecting one’s sex include: (1) Boredom (2) Relationship Problems (3) Exhaustion and (4) Medical . (1) Boredom- the same routine with the same partner over and over again is very common, especially when the relationship is a long standing one. Let’s face it, there are only so many tricks you can pull out of the hat and after a while, the audience has seen every trick and the Velveteen rabbit can end up looking just like a plain old raggedy white rabbit. (2) Relationship Problems- If you can’t stand your partner, its really hard to want to have sex with them and, of course, enjoy yourself. (3) Exhaustion- Being a wife/mother/income earner is now more common than not. This combination of energy draining responsibilities can sap the energy out of even the Energizer Bunny. (4) Medical- the sexual drive is affected by age, especially after age 35, as well as, hormonal imbalances or the use of drugs such as anti-depressants or anti-psychotics.

There is no specific recommendation to answer this question. But I recommend the following to my patients. First, have open and fair discussions about what you want with your partner and ask them to do the same. Next, experiment with new positions and locations and try fantasy role-playing. It’s ok to be a little crazy but don’t try anything illegal unless you are ready to get caught and end up on the local 6pm news and Next, consider marriage counseling if there are been problems in the marriage, especially in cases of infidelity. Next, take some time off with your partner. A weekend would be good, but just one day a week is more convenient and acceptable. Consider the following. After working hard all week, get rid of the kids! Send them to the in-laws. Get them out of the house!!! On Friday, you and your Man should stay in and watch TV and cuddle and get the energy back in your batteries. It is not necessary to have sex, just relax and enjoy each others company. But on Saturday, LET THE GO TIMES ROLL!!!! With the house empty and your system recharged and no one in the house to hear your screams, get the trampolene out and pretend you are characters in the circus. Have fun, experiment and absolutely NO JUDGING. It doesn’t have to be perfect the first time you try this. Remember, no one is a perfect ice skater the first time around. Everybody falls and looks like a clown. But with a little practice, a lot of quality time, and soul-mate bonding, it can be better than winning the Super Bowl and going to Disneyland. Hell, you are already in Disney World. The last one, MEDICAL, you will need to take to your doctor about. I have used TESTOSTERONE on some of my patients with great results to improve their libido, intensity and frequency of orgasms. But some meds, like Zoloft and Paxil, can actually make it difficult or impossible to reach orgasm.

I could go on and on, but I hope these little pointers help to improve your sex life and increase your frequency after marriage from 1-3 per week to as often as you and your Man want.

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Filed under Blog, Female Sexuality, Gynecology, Questions of the Day

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