ASK DR NOVOA – How do you tell a man that he is lousy in bed without ruining the relationship?

This question is extremely touchy since most men are not open to criticism, especially about their lovemaking skills. It is, however, important to address this problem because it can only lead to resentment, frustration and the evidential collapse of communication. Lovemaking can be the sincerest and most intimate form of expression. But it is important to make the distinction between having sex and making love. You can have sex with someone you love, but it is not always the case that you make love to the person when you have sex. Bad lovemaking skills can seriously jeopardize a relationship, so it’s important to address the problem as soon as you can.

In the past, men weren’t rated in the bedroom. They were expected to marry virgins who had no one to compare them to. Today, most couples have a fair to significant amount of sexual experience and most ladies know exactly what their man does wrong and why.

When you tell your guy he sucks in bed, it immediately hits him right where it hurts—his machismo, Mojo, Manhood, etc….. Most Men equate a poor sexual rating with their masculinity, and more often then not, he will react badly if he feels he is being criticized.

Unfortunately, there are many factors that affect the sexual performance of a man. They involve an interaction of both physical, emotional and personality skills. The physical has to do with the inability to control exactly how long he can go without ejaculating, which usually represent the end of the lovemaking. This can mean that, without foreplay, the actually time period from start to finish can be as short as just a few minutes. The emotional means, the more excited we get, the faster we may finish. The personality means, that some men are taught that it doesn’t matter if their partner has an orgasm and that it is all about what the man wants.

An even greater problem is that no one really is suppose to be considered a professional lover. i.e. If you don’t know how to drive a car, you can pay someone to teach you. If you can’t ice skate, you can learn from trial and error. But lovemaking is one that can take a lot of learning with absolutely no real way to gauge how good you are unless you are open minded and willing to ask a lot of questions.

Men learn through positive reinforcement and we have to have our egos stroked. Five key NEVERS when teaching your man how to please you.

  1. NEVER mention any other man’s name. The quickest way to start a fight and have something burned into his memory is to give him a name to compare his shortcomings to.
  2. NEVER tell him how many men you have been with. If you have to say anything, three to four always seems like a good number to work with.
  3. NEVER criticize the size or appearance of his penis. A man could really care less if he is fat or balding. But penis size is everything. For men, regardless of how intelligent we are, bigger is always better, and if you have had bigger, it will always be a problem for him.
  4. NEVER tell him that ANYONE was better, even if they are or were. Unless he is completely open minded and willing to learn, he will never get over this one.
  5. NEVER agree to do anything that you know will end up hurting you. Men are stupid and will always push the envelope in a relationship. We simply can’t help ourselves and the subjects of threesomes with your girlfriends, oral sex and anal sex with always come up. If you are not into these things, it is better to be honest up front before it compromises everything you stand for and you end up resenting him. A “Hall Pass” rarely works.

Five ways to let your man know his “skills” leave a little or a lot to be desired.

  1. Tell him what you like….Forget about asking what he likes and hoping he gets the hint. Men are basically clueless and we cannot read your mind. You need to let him know exactly what you like. The best time to discuss the problem is when you both decide to have sex but before actually engaging in intercourse. Remember that once intercourse begins, it may be physically impossible for a man to control himself. Telling him when you both have given each other the signals can be a natural extension of foreplay — a tamer kind of dirty talk. Saying: “I really like when you kiss my neck, but not too hard.”
  2. Show him what you like. Whenever you’re able, give him a demonstration of what you like by doing it to him or doing it to yourself while he watches. Men like it when you decide to dress up and put on a little show for them. A subtle way to show him is to actually take his hand and guide him step by step. Again, this allows for a mutual learning experience and an extension of foreplay. Try to use the word “I” as much as possible. Such as “I really like it when you touch me there or like that.”
  3. Use “instead of” when giving directions. If you don’t like the way he kisses you or you feel like he is using his tongue all wrong, you can say: “Instead of kissing me so hard, try making your tongue softer when you kiss me there.” It is not exactly the same as saying, “Don’t kiss me like that,” but it has the same effect without sounding like you are criticizing him.
  4. Frame it as a game with “let’s try”. If you hate the way he seems to bury his face in the pillow while he pounds you so hard it feels like a jackhammer, try saying, “Hey babe, let’s try slowing it down this time, and kiss me slowly while you do it. I want to see if it feels any different.” It’s not about what he’s doing wrong, it’s about the two of you trying something different for the hell of it. Sure, you already know it’s going to feel better, but he doesn’t need to know that you already know what works.
  5. Give him a shout out. When he follows your directions, make sure you give him verbal cues that he is doing something the way you want. Making natural sounds of pleasure; saying the “YES” word or “Oh, God” or even yelling his name are great ways to verbally guide him and teach him that he is doing something right.

Remember that the goal is for you to teach him what you want. Men are not mind-readers, especially in bed. And we will never know that we are doing things wrong unless you tell us. But try talking to us like we are a child, with constructive criticism without us knowing that we actually are doing something wrong and hopefully turn Mr. Lousy into Mr. Wonderful.

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Filed under Blog, Female Sexuality, Questions of the Day

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